Six Tips to Improve your Marriage

The day to day assaults on marriage can be brutal. Here are a few tips on how to maintain a healthy marriage and improve your relationship with your spouse.

1. Be kind to each other. That seems simple enough but here in this cruel cruel world the daily grind of life wears and wearies us. One can get frustrated with people, things and situations that are out of our control. That frustration often gives way to anger. The anger, in turn, can spill out indiscriminately. It often spills out on the ones who will listen to us spew; who care about us; who are nearest in proximity; who love us the most; and, to be frank, on the ones who are the easiest target. That's right. It's sheer laziness. It's cheap shot tactics that tempt us to "put an end to our problems" without actually addressing the real issue or the real cause of our frustration. Scripture commands us to be kind to each other. Kindness is a divine characteristic coming from God's presence in your life.  "The fruit of the Spirit is Love, joy, peace, kindness..." Marriage might be the only place in the everyday grind where we can actually find kindness.

2. Take time out to remember your spouse is a gift. Hey, your spouse is a gift to you! I said it twice with intent to emphasize. Sometimes I think it's healthy for us to go back to the beginning- the beginning of the days you dated each other; the beginning of the marriage; the beginning of the garden of Eden when God said it was not good for man to be alone so he created for him a helpmeet. Don't forget that. We are blessed to have each other.

3. Say I love you- A LOT!!!!!!  Say it with meaning.  Say it often.  Say it differently.  Say it with enthusiasm.  Please don't tell me that you just can't muster enthusiasm and emotion.  You can when the big game comes on the tube, guys; or when the girls ask you to go shopping, ladies.  We get excited about what we want to get excited about and what we think is important. So put a little umph behind your "I love you." Say it in the morning.  Say it over the phone at lunch. It's tough to have an affair with someone else when you're constantly every spare in every moment on the phone with your spouse saying those three words. Say it at dinner.  Say it at bedtime.  Shoot! I'd say it in the middle of the night.  What you say is important.  Don't assume your spouse knows how you feel. Tell him/her how you feel about them.

4. Make time for each other.  I've discovered something about myself through the years. I hate shopping. But for some reason, if I can tie that in with the love of my life, I can tolerate it a bit more.  Over time, I've actually discovered that the journey to and from the stores far outweighs the negative vibes I get from shopping, especially if a dinner out is included. I'm just keeping it real, guys. Help her do the grocery shopping.  She probably hates that as much as you do and your effort to go says something about the level of your sacrificial love for her. Go to the store when she looks for the kids' clothes. Celebrate the deals she gets. And ladies, go to a guy movie once in a while.  Go sit in the tree stand with him.  Go lay on the boat and soak up some sun while he fishes.  Who knows, he might not even care about the fish by the time the trip is over. There will always be something important to do. You chose to get married.  You have one life to live together.  When the time is gone, it's gone forever.  There's no recapturing the past or fixing regrets. Make the most of your time together.

5. Fight fair.  Let's face it.  We all have our tough times along the way. There are good ways and bad ways to fight things out. Fight in the "here and now." Words like "always" and "never" really need to be banned from a fight.  Give each other space to think and cool down. Listen to what is being said; pause to process what was said; clarify and verify that you are understanding each other; stay focussed on what is important.  Is being right and winning most important?  You can win and lose all in the same battle because the cost of winning may be greater than the reward of the "W." Never use the "D" word (divorce). In 30 years of marriage the "D" word has never been verbalized or considered a legitimate tool or option. That is a terrorist tactic.  If ever you want to ramp up emotions and insecurity, the "D" word is the detonator that ignites the explosives. Finally, make up quickly.  Refer to the bold italics in number 4 if you want to know why that is important.

6. Make God a priority in your marriage.  Make him master of your finances. Make him master of your morals.  Make him master of your time and devote what belongs to him. Ultimately, make him master of you and allow him to be master of your spouse. If you both have a common grounding; or a common point at which you are both aiming; or a common reason and motivation for doing things the way you do... It doesn't take a genius to figure out you will have a greater congruence in your relationship. Since God created you and your spouse; since he somehow miraculously put the two of you together; and since he is the one who has plans for your life- to prosper and not to harm you; it makes sense to put him first in your marriage. I have the perfect marriage.  It's perfect because God made you and your spouse one flesh.  It's certainly not perfect because of me and I suspect my wife will say the same about herself. Yet, we have a great marriage literally made in heaven.

One last note: if you only do these things once, they won't work.  Put them into practice in your relationship and they will yield rich rewards. You must exert effort and discipline until they become so much a part of your married lifestyle that they are second nature to you.  Don't get frustrated or discouraged with slow progress (either with your discipline to put them into practice or your spouse's reactions to your efforts). You have the rest of your life to work on them.

  Of Jacob, the prophet Hosea says, "In his mother's womb he grasped the heel of his brother; as a man he struggled with God. He struggled with the angel and overcame him; he begged and wept for his favor. He found him at Bethel and talked with him there- the lord Almighty, the Lord is his name! You must return to your God; maintain love and justice, wait for your God always." (Hosea 12:3-6)

I'm not sure I entirely understand why some people seem like they struggle from the time they are born until the time they die. From a spiritual standpoint I understand that a curse on man came with Adam in the Garden of Eden and the world has never been right since. The curse is indeed...well, a curse. There was nothing good about it. The struggle that ensued for Adam and Eve, and for all the Adams and Eves after them, has been difficult.  But, for some, it just seems like they are marked for pain and suffering. It's almost as though God, or someone, has it in for certain individuals. From the very start, even before self awareness, Jacob was at odds with those around him.  Maybe his name (Deceiver) caused him to be a fighter. I'm sure the other school kids had a blast with his name on the playground. But scripture indicates that he was a fighter from the womb and thus his name, not the other way around. His childhood was only the beginning of his challenges.

The passage says, "He struggled with God as a man." I'm sure that Jacob wrestled with being second all the time. He was tired of taking second place and walking in the shadow of his older brother. He wanted to be first, just once. Maybe some thought he would grow out of it; that fighting spirit, the hot temper, the petty jealousy and competitiveness, the rash conflicts in which he seemed to find himself. Perhaps Isaac and Rebekah thought he would learn from the school of hard knocks that lying and deception only get you into more trouble.  Whatever anyone else thought, it was not to be so. Even as an adult Jacob deceived his father, wrenched the birthright from his brother and fled in fear of their anger and displeasure. It's sad really. A man with the family blessing, rich by worldly standards, yet destitute and homeless, running for fear of his life from his own family member. Hardly a blessing he received from his father. Ironic, isn't it?  What Jacob wanted and jealously coveted for his entire life he now possessed and he was more miserable than he had ever been.

That's not the end, either. Jacob probably figured, once a deceiver always a deceiver.  He probably figured he was born that way.  Maybe he felt God created him to be deceptively flawed.  Even if God hadn't, it was no use trying to change.  His fate was sealed and he was powerless to change his character. He resigned himself to be at odds with the world, unhappy and miserable inside and out. Until one day...Rachel. Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better.  "Perhaps," he would have thought, "my bad luck streak is finally coming to an end." In fact it was just a cruel trick. Just when his hopes were rising that life had taken a turn for the better he himself is deceived by his own relative.  Maybe it was this humiliating "face rubbing" that caused Jacob to be desperate. Life had sunk to an all time low as his own sins were visited upon him.

Scripture says, "he wrestled with the angel." There is debate about who the angel was.  Many scholars believe it was a pre-incarnate manifestation of the Messiah. Regardless, the deceiver had his fill of self.  He recognized that this moment was his only hope; that he could not go on living like this.  Though he had the woman of his dreams (plus one), a family blessing from his father and worldly wealth he was fully convinced and cognizant that this angel, and he alone, could remove the curse that had dogged him his entire life. "He begged and wept for his favor..." Friends, it is futile for us to try to change under our own power.  We need to have a "come to Jesus" moment just as Jacob did.  We need to come to the end of our schemes and plans in this life.  We need to come to a place when nothing but God's blessing on our life will suffice.  We need to be broken, weep, grasp a hold of him and never let him go until we have that life change. From that time on Jacob walked differently.  He came away with a new name. He came away with a different- blessing, the blessing of God, not men. We never see Jacob deceiving again. I believe we "must return to our God." Nothing else will do.  Everyone has to wrestle with God through the night until they know that they have been changed and blessed. Lay a hold of God today and let him transform the life that you have found yourself powerless to change. There is hope in Jesus if you will call out to him.

Regarding His ministry Jesus quoted from Isaiah 61:1-2 this passage, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." I'm so thankful that our God sees our human condition and meets our needs, not just in our everyday ordinary needs, but in sup

ernatural ways as well. We should never hesitate to ask our Heavenly Father for miraculous healing and deliverance from our brokenness. 

Matthew 8:5-13 tells a great story about a Roman Centurion who came to Jesus to request help. His servant was gravely ill and suffered tremendously from his affliction. Scripture does not indicate what the ailment was, and maybe that is a good thing. The omission forces us to say, "What ailment?  What condition?" With that omission we are immediately drawn and left to imagine what terrible and horrid condition could possibly be tormenting this poor servant.  Our mind is encouraged to interject the worst thing we could imagine. What hopeless situation is this that was brought to Jesus? And thus we find ourselves imagining the most hopeless situation our collective minds can fathom. We all need to recognize the brokenness that exists in us as a result of sin entering the world.  When Adam and Eve sinned the whole earth came under the penalty for that sin. It was all broken.  Our sin seldom affects us alone.  The collateral damage is frequently catastrophic. Sin was the proverbial "toxic oil spill that poisoned the whole river;" "the atom bomb that caused fallout" in everything and everyone.  Without Jesus we are hopeless for redemption. Similarly, something was greater than this centurion had the authority or power to fix for his beloved servant. 

I find it interesting that a soldier who commands armies for the most powerful nation on the face of the earth should come to a humble carpenter's son from Galilee.  One of Jesus' disciples quipped, "Can anything good come out of Galilee?" But this centurion recognized his powerlessness to heal his human condition, this brokenness which demanded a power greater than his own be applied. When the centurion finds Jesus, he places his request, "My servant is tormented." The request is again understood.  The omission allows us to fill in the blank. What is your request?  Have you asked Jesus to "fix it?" It is easy to make the mistake of looking to our parents, our savings accounts, our employment opportunities, our church, other people or even the government to solve our issues and meet our needs.  But here, the centurion goes to the real source.  He comes to the fountain head and asks Jesus. We need to bring our requests to the Lord in faith believing. James tells us that we should never ask doubting. If we do, we should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. (James 1:6-7).

Jesus responds with authority.  I find myself encouraged by this. We need a remedy. We bring the request.  Jesus responds with authority.  How simple is that? Matthew 7:28-29 records the people's response to Jesus' teaching.  "When Jesus had finished these words, the crowds were amazed at His teaching; for He was teaching them as one having authority, and not as their scribes."  They recognized that there was power behind his teaching.  They recognized this power far surpassed that of other teachers. It is comforting to know that when we have reached the end of our power and authority to alter life circumstances, Jesus is will take the baton and run with it.  When our stamina and endurance are waning, His is just kicking in.  The centurion says, "You don't need to come to my house. Just say the word and this disease will have to obey." Jesus reminded us of the peace and rest we can have in our hearts with the story of the disciples on the stormy sea.  Again, the gospels record, "Who is this man, that even the wind and sea obey Him?" (Matthew 8:27) Often when we are in the midst of a difficult circumstance we get trench mentality.  We only see what is to the left and right of us.  We can't see that the entire heavenly realm is encamped about us and their commander in complete control of the entire battlefield. We can sometimes feel pinned down, trapped and alone, even when the victory is near. We're not alone! Praise God! We have access to this authority.  Hebrews 4:16 tells us "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." We can have confidence in God's authority over our circumstances

First there must be recognition of our inabilities and finite strength. A faith request must be presented for help from one who has authority to respond. Then come the results. The scripture says that the centurion's servant was healed that very hour. Isn't it good to know that Jesus will show up in time with just the right medicine for the need we present. If you are feeling hopeless, hurt, trapped, alone, in need, helpless... You are none of those things. Jesus is just around the corner with the help you need. Reaching out to t e Lord and He will answer.  "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Romans 10:13) Let me encourage you today to reach out to Jesus in your weakest moment with your greatest need.  Believe that He will answer and bring help in your time of need.