The day to day assaults on marriage can be brutal. Here are a few tips on how to maintain a healthy marriage and improve your relationship with your spouse.
1. Be kind to each other. That seems simple enough but here in this cruel cruel world the daily grind of life wears and wearies us. One can get frustrated with people, things and situations that are out of our control. That frustration often gives way to anger. The anger, in turn, can spill out indiscriminately. It often spills out on the ones who will listen to us spew; who care about us; who are nearest in proximity; who love us the most; and, to be frank, on the ones who are the easiest target. That's right. It's sheer laziness. It's cheap shot tactics that tempt us to "put an end to our problems" without actually addressing the real issue or the real cause of our frustration. Scripture commands us to be kind to each other. Kindness is a divine characteristic coming from God's presence in your life. "The fruit of the Spirit is Love, joy, peace, kindness..." Marriage might be the only place in the everyday grind where we can actually find kindness.
2. Take time out to remember your spouse is a gift. Hey, your spouse is a gift to you! I said it twice with intent to emphasize. Sometimes I think it's healthy for us to go back to the beginning- the beginning of the days you dated each other; the beginning of the marriage; the beginning of the garden of Eden when God said it was not good for man to be alone so he created for him a helpmeet. Don't forget that. We are blessed to have each other.
3. Say I love you- A LOT!!!!!! Say it with meaning. Say it often. Say it differently. Say it with enthusiasm. Please don't tell me that you just can't muster enthusiasm and emotion. You can when the big game comes on the tube, guys; or when the girls ask you to go shopping, ladies. We get excited about what we want to get excited about and what we think is important. So put a little umph behind your "I love you." Say it in the morning. Say it over the phone at lunch. It's tough to have an affair with someone else when you're constantly every spare in every moment on the phone with your spouse saying those three words. Say it at dinner. Say it at bedtime. Shoot! I'd say it in the middle of the night. What you say is important. Don't assume your spouse knows how you feel. Tell him/her how you feel about them.
4. Make time for each other. I've discovered something about myself through the years. I hate shopping. But for some reason, if I can tie that in with the love of my life, I can tolerate it a bit more. Over time, I've actually discovered that the journey to and from the stores far outweighs the negative vibes I get from shopping, especially if a dinner out is included. I'm just keeping it real, guys. Help her do the grocery shopping. She probably hates that as much as you do and your effort to go says something about the level of your sacrificial love for her. Go to the store when she looks for the kids' clothes. Celebrate the deals she gets. And ladies, go to a guy movie once in a while. Go sit in the tree stand with him. Go lay on the boat and soak up some sun while he fishes. Who knows, he might not even care about the fish by the time the trip is over. There will always be something important to do. You chose to get married. You have one life to live together. When the time is gone, it's gone forever. There's no recapturing the past or fixing regrets. Make the most of your time together.
5. Fight fair. Let's face it. We all have our tough times along the way. There are good ways and bad ways to fight things out. Fight in the "here and now." Words like "always" and "never" really need to be banned from a fight. Give each other space to think and cool down. Listen to what is being said; pause to process what was said; clarify and verify that you are understanding each other; stay focussed on what is important. Is being right and winning most important? You can win and lose all in the same battle because the cost of winning may be greater than the reward of the "W." Never use the "D" word (divorce). In 30 years of marriage the "D" word has never been verbalized or considered a legitimate tool or option. That is a terrorist tactic. If ever you want to ramp up emotions and insecurity, the "D" word is the detonator that ignites the explosives. Finally, make up quickly. Refer to the bold italics in number 4 if you want to know why that is important.
6. Make God a priority in your marriage. Make him master of your finances. Make him master of your morals. Make him master of your time and devote what belongs to him. Ultimately, make him master of you and allow him to be master of your spouse. If you both have a common grounding; or a common point at which you are both aiming; or a common reason and motivation for doing things the way you do... It doesn't take a genius to figure out you will have a greater congruence in your relationship. Since God created you and your spouse; since he somehow miraculously put the two of you together; and since he is the one who has plans for your life- to prosper and not to harm you; it makes sense to put him first in your marriage. I have the perfect marriage. It's perfect because God made you and your spouse one flesh. It's certainly not perfect because of me and I suspect my wife will say the same about herself. Yet, we have a great marriage literally made in heaven.
One last note: if you only do these things once, they won't work. Put them into practice in your relationship and they will yield rich rewards. You must exert effort and discipline until they become so much a part of your married lifestyle that they are second nature to you. Don't get frustrated or discouraged with slow progress (either with your discipline to put them into practice or your spouse's reactions to your efforts). You have the rest of your life to work on them.
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